Police Found Miley Cyrus’ Stolen Maserati So You’re Off the Hook for Now

missing maserati
Why did you steal Miley Cyrus' brand new car?
Presumably you’re reading this behind tightly drawn curtains from your room at the Motel 6 which you booked under a pseudonym. That is good, it means you have a head start. Because the police are coming for you.

The good news is that police have found the $100,000 Maserati you stole from Miley Cyrus’ home over the weekend. LA Police found the car unharmed in Simi Valley, about 45 miles northwest of Los Angeles, where you ditched it, after you couldn’t find a chop shop willing to take a white Maserati with cigarette burns in the leather upholstery and a “BANGERZ 4 LYFE” bumper sticker on the fender. The bad news is that, according to police, “the investigation is ongoing” and no suspects have been taken into custody. This is why it’s good that you have a head start.

As you already know, since you were there, a man and a woman scaled the fence at Cyrus’ home over the weekend and then broke in through her garage. They stole some jewelry (which is honestly probably just from Forever 21 and made from melted down lucite heels) and Cyrus’ new Maserati. No one was home at the time of the burglary.

Since I’m here to help, here’s what we’re going to do next. Now that you’re a wanted cat burglar, you’re going to have to make some changes. First, grow a mustache. Man or woman, I don’t care. Grow a mustache. Next, you’re going to need to move somewhere far away, somewhere quiet. Perhaps somewhere in the Great Plains. Manhattan, Kansas could be nice. Lastly, you’re going to need a job since all the jewelry you stole was made of plastic you lost the Maserati. Perhaps get a job at a library? No one goes into those anymore. It’ll be a quiet existence, but it can be a fulfilling one. Meet someone nice. Settle down. Never tell him or her your secret. Always eat your vegetables.