Benedict Cumberbatch Is Dating Someone and It's Not You

Benedict Cumberbatch
Hey so you weren't responding to your Kiks this morning so I had to get ahold of you here and I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news but your internet boyfriend Benedict Cumberbatch allegedly has a girlfriend now. I know it's rude to tell you in such a public forum, but seriously why don't you respond to your Snapchats anymore? Anyway, he said he still wants you to be friends and he loves those little — what do you call them? GIFs? — that you post on your Tumblr, it's just that Benedict is going to be spending a lot more time with his IRL ladyfriend now.

Oh how do I know that Benedict Cumberbatch has a girlfriend who's not you? Well Becky G. DMed me during fourth period and said that Cindy C.'s mom had this thing called a newspaper — apparently it's like the internet for old people — and there was an article about some old lady named Rebecca Eaton and Malia Obama's nerdy dad but that's not important, what's important is that the article mentioned that some mallrat tramp is stepping in on your boyfriend, Benedict Cumberbatch.

"That might also explain her other job: helping British hottie Benedict Cumberbatch find a new love interest. She wouldn’t say whom the Sherlock actor has met, but she said it’s time for all those 'Cumberbitches' — the name used by his huge base of female followers — to move on."

Wow. Harsh right? Anyway no one knows who this girl is, but Sally H. said she'd do some Facebook stalking during seventh period — Mr. Sorenson is so lame — and then I thought we could meet up after school at your mom's house and cyberbully her. Do you think your mom could make those virgin daiquiris again? Those were sooo good. Let me know!

P.S.: Can I copy your math homework?



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  • Debbie Sneddon
    Debbie Sneddon

    Hilarious. My mind can rest easy now. Hahaha!

  • Melissa Chapman
    Melissa Chapman

    Wow. What a jerky article. I love Benedict Cumberbatch as an actor. Do I think he's good looking? OF COURSE! But I am no "Cumberbitch", and that term is just ridiculous. And considering that his major fan base does NOT consist of obnoxious teenage girls...Mr Robert Kessler should just go find a new job, because he writes like a hack.

  • daydreamer988

    This article is really obnoxious. I get that everyone thinks we Benedict fans are completely delusional fangirls, but comments like "there's this thing called the newspaper that people read in the olden days" make it really annoying to read. I just wanted to hear the story, not to be made fun of and treated like an infant. Sorry, it just irked me. Oh by the way, we are the "Cumber-collective," not "Cumberbitches."

  • Colette Herring Compton
    Colette Herring Compton

    I am not a "Cumberbitch" and never have cared for that term. I am, however, a fan of Benedict Cumberbatch and appreciate his work. He is one of the most outstanding actors today and always will be. I love watching him move from one role to the next like a chameleon. He is a true artist. He has a delightful persona and a devilish sense of humor. "Bully" for him if he is dating someone. I hope the public will give him the privacy he deserves in his personal life.