Benedict Cumberbatch Is Dating Someone and It’s Not You

By: Robert Kessler / June 18, 2014

Hey so you weren’t responding to your Kiks this morning so I had to get ahold of you here and I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news but your internet boyfriend Benedict Cumberbatch allegedly has a girlfriend now. I know it’s rude to tell you in such a public forum, but seriously why don’t you respond to your Snapchats anymore? Anyway, he said he still wants you to be friends and he loves those little — what do you call them? GIFs? — that you post on your Tumblr, it’s just that Benedict is going to be spending a lot more time with his IRL ladyfriend now.

Oh how do I know that Benedict Cumberbatch has a girlfriend who’s not you? Well Becky G. DMed me during fourth period and said that Cindy C.’s mom had this thing called a newspaper — apparently it’s like the internet for old people — and there was an article about some old lady named Rebecca Eaton and Malia Obama’s nerdy dad but that’s not important, what’s important is that the article mentioned that some mallrat tramp is stepping in on your boyfriend, Benedict Cumberbatch.

“That might also explain her other job: helping British hottie Benedict Cumberbatch find a new love interest. She wouldn’t say whom the Sherlock actor has met, but she said it’s time for all those ‘Cumberbitches’ — the name used by his huge base of female followers — to move on.”

Wow. Harsh right? Anyway no one knows who this girl is, but Sally H. said she’d do some Facebook stalking during seventh period — Mr. Sorenson is so lame — and then I thought we could meet up after school at your mom’s house and cyberbully her. Do you think your mom could make those virgin daiquiris again? Those were sooo good. Let me know!

P.S.: Can I copy your math homework?