Donald Trump Would Not Have Sex With Kim Kardashian or Jennifer Lopez

Devastating news for Kim Kardashian and Jennifer Lopez who, I’m sure, were clamoring to get into the high-waisted granddad jeans of Donald Trump. Well, ladies, stand back because the Donald would not like to have sexual relations with either of you, nope, he’s good with his cream of wheat and JAG reruns.

America’s Trollmander in Chief trolled his way onto the Howard Stern Show where, as it always does, the topic shifted to the size and shapeliness of Kim Kardashian’s bottom.

Stern: But [Kardashian] has an ass that— is her ass too big, Donald? Is her ass too big?

Trump: Well, absolutely. It’s record-setting.

Stern: But it’s like, are you attracted to that gigantic ass?

Trump: No, that’s— in the old days they’d say she’s got a bad body.

And surely it’s a six-pack that Trump’s hiding underneath those ill-fitting suits.

Stern then goes on to point out that Jennifer Lopez also has a big ass and that “people don’t realize” that. Which. Yes they do? That’s an absolutely absurd thing to say. He then plays America’s Favorite Game: imagining Donald Trump mid-coitus.

Stern: If you had to have sex with one?

Trump: I don’t like, you know, being negative to people who are so nice to me.

Stern: You love them both, but if you had to have sex with one of them?

Trump: I would pass on both.

Stern: You wouldn’t bang either one of them?

Trump: I would pass on both.

Tough break ladies.

Here’s the full audio if you feel like self-flagellating: