24 Hours Inside Kim Kardashian’s New Phone Game

Yesterday Kim Kardashian released “Kim Kardashian Hollywood,” a game for Apple and Android phones. It’s like the Sims, except that your only goal is to become famous. What follows is a tale of slut-shaming, celebrity dating and paid club appearances. It is a personal account of my first 24 hours inside “Kim Kardashian Hollywood.”

11:00 AM

As the game begins, I am a humble shopgirl working at the So Chic Boutique in downtown LA. Little do I know my life is about to change forever.

11:17 AM

A chance encounter with Kim Kardashian sets my fate in motion. She’s ripped her shirt, you see, and needs me to keep So Chic open after hours so that she can buy a new one.

11:21 AM

We become fast friends.

11:23 AM

Kim invites me to a photo shoot, but quickly the camera is turned on me. This is it, I’ve been discovered.

11:33 AM

Later, at a party, I meet a model. He’s hot and he wears vests in public so you know he’s brave as well. I flirt with him because, as you can see, the game goads me into it. This turns out to be a bad idea.

12:02 PM

Dirk, the sartorially-challenged model I met at Brew Palms, has a girlfriend. And now this bitch is tweeting about me. Baby’s first #feud!

12:17 PM

Following that disaster, my pal Kim Kardashian decides to set me up on a date. (In the game, Kim asks if you’re into girls or boys, which is pretty cool.) My date looks suspiciously similar to Kanye West.

And, yes, my name in the game is Elle Fanning.

12:18 PM

It goes pretty well.

1:42 PM

In the game, you must use energy points—represented by the lightning bolts on the bar at the top of the screen—to complete tasks to further your career. Energy points regenerate at the rate of one every five minutes. At this runway show I’ve booked, simply focusing requires six energy points, or 30 minutes of rest. No wonder my eyes are always closed.

3:54 PM

Always in the shadow of my mentor…

5:12 PM

The game encourages me to try new looks in order to get noticed by the paparazzi, but following an ill-advised shopping spree I’m unable to pay my rent.

5:13 PM

And so I’m back covering shifts at the So Chic Boutique. Just when this game starts to build you up, it’ll tear you down.

8:42 PM

My manager has managed to book me a gig in a commercial for a product called Glassex. Like any struggling actress, I go blonde.

11:48 PM

Turns out, I’m a hit.

2:34 AM

I can’t sleep so I decide to go on a date with that Dirk guy because a) screw Willow Pape and b) the game rewards you for dating famous people and he’s the most famous person I know.

6:38 AM

I wake up to good news: I’ve jumped from E-list to D-list. Kathy Griffin, I’m coming for you.

8:34 AM

Being on the D-list comes with some perks, such as paparazzi…

8:36 AM

…And being paid to make club appearances in Miami.

8:36 AM

It’s at the grand opening of Lif in Miami that I run into that bitch Willow Pape again. We exchange words, but I choose to take the high road, for which the game rewards me $12.

10:51 AM

My dear friend Kim Kardashian calls to coax me into having a birthday party for myself and so I’m off to Vegas for some party planning.

10:54 AM

11:03 AM

You meet some strange individuals in this game.

11:19 AM

The power of Kim Kardashian is such that one tweet from her earns me 2,700 fans.

11:23 AM

And so here I am at my 8-hour-long Vegas birthday bash, flanked by my only friend Kim Kardashian and some trick I’ve never even met. Ahhhhhh the glamour of fame.