Sorry Everyone, Jamie Dornan’s Penis Won’t Appear in “Fifty Shades of Grey”

A BIT TOO SEXY
Watch old people react to 'Fifty Shades of Grey'.
You might want to sit down for this one…

Jamie Dornan has done an interview recently in which he’s made the sad confirmation that his penis won’t be making it’s big screen debut in the upcoming BDSM-centered “love story” Fifty Shades of Grey.

Yes, it’s true. In an otherwise lovely cover story with The Observer, Dornan basically crushes anyones hopes that the movie adaptation of E.L. James’ adventures into Mommy Porn will be anything like it’s bookstore counterpart.

When asked how graphic the film is, he pauses, weighs his answer. “You want to appeal to as wide an audience as possible without grossing them out. You don’t want to make something gratuitous, and ugly, and graphic.”

So no sex then? “Sam is a very bright woman, so there might be some suggestive elements to it, but I haven’t seen it at this stage, so it is hard for me to say. I’m aware of what we shot, and it wasn’t as if we shot a film without any action.”

Was he completely in the nude? “There were contracts in place that said that viewers wouldn’t be seeing my, um…”

Todger? He laughs. “Yeah, my todger.”

Not like Ewan McGregor, then. He has it written into his contracts that his must be seen, at every possible opportunity. The laugh again. “Does he? Well, maybe Ewan has a more impressive girth.”

Now, riddle me this Batman. Shouldn’t the point of turning a book into a movie be, at least in part, to please the fans who made the aforementioned book a success? Don’t get me wrong, it’s understandable that Universal wants a movie that will make money, but an anti-nudity clause in a contract for a movie about sex contracts and red rooms of pain seems a bit counter productive to us. It also will make any female nudity that appears in the flick a bit hypocritical. At least, that’s how we assume Chelsea Handler would see it.

Now, Jamie does admit that pleasing everyone is impossible…

“I am never going to please all 100 million people who read the book,” he says. “I’ll be lucky if half that number are happy with me playing Christian Grey. I know there are campaigns of hate against me already.”

…but we’re going to go out on a limb and say that Universal’s prude perspective of a very sexy novel is at fault for most of the people who’ll leave that movie theater underwhelmed.

In case you haven’t been swayed to wait until it hits your Netflix queue, Fifty Shades of Grey is set to steam up theaters this Valentine’s Day, February 14th, 2015.