The 47-year-old Chopped host admits the show kept reopening so many wounds in regards to his troubled year, which includes an affair and substance abuse. The constant reminder haunted him so much that he came within moments of taking his own life.
“We have five more shows left. I can’t do this anymore,” McDermott told Access Hollywood on Wednesday. “I can’t keep opening a vein, opening my soul and sharing my feelings and thoughts and demons with the world. I don’t watch it. I can’t. It’s really difficult. I can’t do it anymore, for my soul.”
He continues, admitting, “The fact that I cheated on my wife, I wish never happened. I wish my alcohol and drug use hadn’t gotten out of control. I still love her to death and that’s why we’re still together.”
His one-night-stand with a woman named Emily Goodhand and the heartbreak it has caused his family is almost too much for him to bare.
“I almost lost everything, everything that means anything to me,” he said. “I don’t want to ever do that again. I don’t ever want to be in that dark place again where I wanted to take my life.”
That dark place caused McDermott to almost pull the trigger on his life.
“I was driving around in my truck with a loaded 9 mm. I was put on a 5150 at the UCLA psych ward,” he revealed. “[My son] Liam had a performance and I didn’t want to miss that performance… I had plans that night to [kill myself].”
Today, McDermott can see some light through all the darkness and still believes his marriage will overcome everything.
“I hold out a lot of hope,” he explains. “If you don’t have hope what do you have? I love this woman, regardless of what I’ve done. I love her and want to be with her. I want to grow old with her and at this moment she feels the exact same way.”