Here are the Best Jokes from Justin Bieber’s Comedy Central Roast Last Night

Justin Bieber Gets a 'Tattoo' in Latest Roast Promo
The Comedy Central marketing team truly deserves an award.

Continuing his tour of turning over a new leaf, Justin Bieber was fed to the sharks last night (March 14, 2015) for his Comedy Central roast, and it was nothing short of amazing.

The 21-year-old took blows from an eclectic lineup of roasters, from Kevin Hart and Ludacris to Martha Stewart and Shaquille O’Neal. Plus, Will Ferrell’s character Ron Burgandy crashed the show.

From his illegal activities, other minor brushes with the law and his music to his Calvin Klein underwear modeling, ex-girlfriend Selena Gomez, and appearances on The Ellen Degeneres Show, Bieber was given no mercy.

He kind of deserved all of it though, let us not have to relive his horrible deposition video as proof of why…

Fortunately, Biebs had audience support from attendees like Kendall Jenner, Chrissy Teigen, John Legend, Carly Rae Jepsen, Ashley Benson, and Dave Chappelle.

Hart started off the show perfectly summarizing the expectations of most, declaring, “Tonight we are gonna do what parents and the legal system should have done a long time – give the boy an ass-whuppin’ he deserves.”

The roast culminated with the appearance of the “love of his life”, his Capuchin monkey pet Mally (who was confiscated in Germany in 2013 because Biebs failed to provide vaccination and import papers, smh), and the Biebs once again apologizing for his behavior.

An edited version of the show will be aired March 30 at 10 p.m. EST. In the meanwhile, here are some of the best jokes from last night’s event.

“Bieber has 10 million fans – most are in middle schools, or standing at least 500 feet away from one.” – Kevin Hart

“A feud with One Direction? That’s like a fight between don’t-care and who-gives-a-shit.” – Ludacris

“I always encouraged people to stay classy. And what’s more classy than hanging out with Floyd Mayweather.” – Ron Burgundy

“Justin’s fan are called beliebers because it’s politically incorrect to use the word retards.” – Natasha Legerro

“Sixty million Twitter followers? The only place people will be following you in jail is into the shower.” – Martha Stewart

“Justin Bieber is a full-grown man who works and loves and makes things with his hands. He sings to 9-year-olds and his hair is like a gay figure skater.” – Ron Burgundy

“Justin, you’re so pretty, when inmates see your mug shot, they swipe right.” – Snoop Dogg

“If Anne Frank had heard your music, she would’ve Uber’d to Auschwitz.” – Jeffrey Ross

“A lot of people are upset that Justin hasn’t won a Grammy. There is Martha Stewart. She can be your grammy.” – Jeff Ross

“You act so much like a pussy, Ellen [DeGeneres] tried to eat you.” – Ludacris

“Selena Gomez wanted to be here but she’s dating men now. Is it true you dumped her because she grew a mustache before you? Selena Gomez had sex with [you]… proving Mexicans will do the disgusting jobs Americans just won’t do.” – Jeffrey Ross


“You are the King Joffrey of Pop.”– Jeffrey Ross

“All these rappers on stage and Martha stewart has done the most jail time.” – Natasha Legerro

“Those Calvin Klein billboards you were made are terrible. And I was inWhitney.” – Chris D’Elia

“If Anne Frank had heard your music, she would’ve Uber’d to Auschwitz.” – Jeffrey Ross

An extra highlight of the show was seeing the extra tall ex-basketball player Shaq stand next to, ahem, shorter Hart (see photo in the gallery).

Bieber may have had the last laugh, commenting, “What do you get when you give a teenager $200 million? A bunch of has-beens calling you a lesbian for two hours.” – Justin Bieber

At the end, Bieber expressed, “Damn, you guys were brutal. This was supposed to be a birthday present. When people ask me what I got for my 21st birthday, I’ll tell them I got my d— kicked in. I should have known.”

He then added in his apology, saying, “I lost some of my best qualities. I’m looking forward to being someone to be proud of. Someone close to me once said how you rise from a fall is how you are truly defined as a man.”

Afterwards, Justin Bieber was totally on brand and headed to Las Vegas on his private jet to continue his birthday celebrations at Omnia Nightclub’s opening at Caesar’s Palace.

[PeopleBillboard, MTV]