Everything That Didn’t Happen in 2015 (So Far)
Come June, it is de rigueur for blogs and media outlets to recap the first half of the current year. BORING! We already know what happened earlier in 2015. So let’s turn our focus on the things that did not happen.
Katy Perry did not win a Grammy. Some people thought 2015 would finally be Katy Perry’s year. They thought she might win a Grammy because “Dark Horse” was basically the biggest hit of 2014. But Katy Perry did not win a Grammy, and her current total of Grammys won remains at zero.
Rihanna did not release her highly-anticipated eighth studio album. She released not one, not two, but three (!) singles, but she did not release her highly-anticipated eighth studio album. Rumors persist that the underperformance of those aforementioned singles caused Rihanna and her team to scrap the album she planned to release, so who knows if it’ll even come out in 2015 at all.
A lot of other people did not release albums. Kanye West, Adele, Beyoncé, Lady Gaga, Britney Spears, and others were all rumored, at one time or another, to have new album release plans. How many of those rumors panned out? The number is equal to Katy Perry’s Grammy count.
Kylie Jenner did not become legal. On the one hand, this is not a surprise. One could simply look at a calendar and know that Kylie would not turn 18 in the first half of 2015. On the other hand, it is surprising because it feels like underage Kylie has been dating 26-year-old Tyga for, like, 37 years. Still, as of this writing, Kylie Jenner has not turned 18.
Madonna did not hit No. 1 on the Billboard Album 200. The “Queen of Pop” had to settle for No. 2 behind the Empire soundtrack. A lot of people thought she would claim the top spot, for she is Madonna, Queen of Pop. But she did not. #RepelChart
Leonardo DiCaprio did not win an Oscar. He was nominated as an executive producer for documentary Virunga. Some people thought he stood a better chance at winning as a producer than an as actor, but he did not, because he did not win the Oscar.
Tidal did not become a viable streaming music alternative to Spotify. Despite backing by Jay Z, Beyoncé, Madonna, Nicki Minaj, Rihanna, Kanye West, and others, the fledgling platform only managed to become a source of incredulous laughter.
Kim Kardashian didn’t implant only boy embryos to ensure a male heir for her and Kanye West. She also didn’t renew her wedding vows. She didn’t #BreakTheInternet. (Caitlyn Jenner did, though.) She didn’t acknowledge the founders of the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge. She didn’t stay blonde for long. She didn’t do a lot, actually.
The Fifty Shades of Grey movie did not convince anyone who had not already read the books that the books were worth reading. It also did not convince anyone that Jamie Dornan and Dakota Johnson have any sort of on-screen (or off-screen) chemistry.
Hannibal did not get renewed for a fourth season that it deserves. That’s right, NBC canceled it. Fannibals getting what they desired and deserved? Another thing that didn’t happen.
19 Kids and Counting did not get canceled. Are you f***ing kidding me?
Taylor Swift did not turn into a spinster cat lady. Late last year, Swift talked a lot about how she was happy being single and hanging out with her many famous girlfriends and her cats named for television characters. In early 2015, though, she began dating Calvin Harris. Hey, things seem to be going well for them, at least.
Taylor Swift did not single-handedly change the music industry. Despite claims to the contrary, it now seems pretty apparent that Swift’s “game-changing” open letter to Apple Music was a PR stunt, one that was mutually beneficial to Swift and Apple’s new streaming service.
Farrah Abraham did not go away. Some people really thought we might stop hearing about Abraham’s exploits this year, but we were unfortunately wrong.
Rita Ora did not become a household name or even simply a musician with a hit song in America, the largest music market in the world. Weird, right?
The finale of Mad Men did not feature Don Draper jumping to his death. Nor did it feature Don becoming mysterious hijacker D.B. Cooper. We don’t mean to imply that if you bought into these theories you’re a simpleton, but…