Kristen Stewart Talks Affair with Rupert Sanders: My Early 20s Were ‘Traumatic’

Beauty Kristen Stewart, who has lived under the media microscope since her teen years, revealed that aging has made her “smarter and calmer,” and hotter too – but she’s not satisfied only being desired.

The Chanel model and actress opened up about her early twenties, cutting her hair short, and apologizing (she doesn’t anymore), in an interview with Marie Claire while in Atlanta filming Ang Lee’s military drama Billy Lynn’s Long Halftime Walk.

Here’s what we learned from her interview (full interview and photo shoot available in the August issue of Marie Claire, available on July 21).

On her early twenties (during which she dated Twilight co-star Robert Pattinson for several years before it came to a slow end after she was photographed kissing her Snow White and the Huntsman director Rupert Sanders in 2012), Stewart expressed, “I lit my universe on fire, and I watched it burn…Speaking very candidly, it was a really traumatic period in my early 20s that kick-started something in me that was a bit more,” pausing to think of the right word, “feral.”

On her public image, “I’m really proud that I am able to move forward and not fall into every mental crater. That’s a new thing for me. Age has made me smarter and calmer. And it is fucking awesome.”

On her hair and being desired, “My hair was such a crutch. I looked quote unquote ‘sexy’ no matter what. I could hide behind it. As soon as I didn’t have all that hair, I had to let my face hang out. I felt more confident than I had in a really long time. And it felt really good. Maybe to most people long hair is prettier. But then what? Is your main goal in life to be desired? That is boring as fuck.”

As for the best advice she’s ever received, Stewart commented, “Patti Smith told me to always take care of my teeth and lungs.”

On being successful at a young age, she revealed, “Between ages 15 and 20, it was really intense. I was constantly anxious. I was kind of a control freak. If I didn’t know how something was going to turn out, I would make myself ill, or just be locked up or inhibited in a way that was really debilitating.”

And when it comes to apologizing, Stewart explained, “Lately, I’ve been doing less of the ‘I’m sooooo sorry.’ And more of the ‘No. Fuck. Jesus.’ “

Let it be known, this doesn’t mean she doesn’t give any fucks.