The ‘Bachelor in Paradise’ Premiere: You Can’t Take Your Sister With You

Wet Hot American Summer is here, and no, we’re not talking about the Netflix revival of Michael Showalter’s cult classic.

Bachelor in Paradise has landed in Sayulita, Mexico with all of the booze and jacuzzis to compensate for parades of overproduced introductions.

First, scroll through this gallery to become acquainted with the Barbie and Ken dolls of this season if you are not already familiar.

When you’re finished drafting your fantasy couples, let us take a sunset stroll through the highlights of last night’s premiere.

Jade Roper and Jared Haibon are the island’s homecoming king and queen, Roper claiming that “America had [her] back”.

Mikey Tenerelli proclaims himself as an “alpha male”. The ladies happen to disagree.

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Ashley Iaconetti brings her less-virginal sister Lauren to co-reside in Paradise. She regrets this decision, fearing that her appeal to the men will be compromised as a result. Ashley might have a point seeing as the rest of the cast referred to sister using pseudonyms based on the Latin root, “slut” for the remainder of the episode.

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Host Chris Harrison explains that the sisters are a two-for-one deal, meaning that if one receives a rose, the other one gets to stay too. Tenley Molzahn calls this tactic a “free ride through Paradise”.

[Insert smirk here.]

However, sister Lauren proves to be a Bachelor natural, opening the season’s waterworks on night one for reasons unexplained.

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Jillian Anderson from Chris Soules’ season brought siblings with her in the form of newly adopted twins — a proud breast augmentation.

Marcus Grodd and Lacy Faddoul from last season are married, which might be the last instance of monogamy to be witnessed on the island barring the budding relationship between Carly Waddell and Kirk Dewindt (for this episode, anyway).

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Ashley Salter is carried away in an ambulance for a mystery condition that could either be dehydration or humiliation upon remembering that she registered for this show once she sobered up from an open bar of margaritas.

Ashley I. gets the first date card and asks Jared to ride a dune buggy with her. She suspects that Jade Roper will whisk her buggy buddy on a date, but Roper instead chooses her Prince Charming in plaid, Tanner Tolbert. 

Crisis averted.

Tanner and Jade hit it off instantaneously, which fares well for their four-week sprint to find love everlasting.

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A pair of calves that descend from the bushes are revealed to belong to Clare Crawley from Juan Pablo Galavis’s season. Could the third time be a charm for the Bachelor loser and former Bachelor in Paradise alum? Harrison questions whether a hurricane blowing in from offshore was a bad omen for Crawley’s future this season.

[Insert second smirk here.]

As she tip-toes down a second flight of stairs, the tropical storm reveals her mantra for this season.

“I’m not trying to find the perfect man, I’m trying to find the perfect man for me.”

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Her top picks from the get-go are Tanner, Jared, and Kirk.

The featured raccoon has yet to express his goals for the season.

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Tune in for part two of the Bachelor in Paradise premiere tonight, August 3 at 8 p.m. EST on ABC! 

All images courtesy of ABC.