‘Bachelor in Paradise’, Episode 2: Latecomers Are Stuck with Scraps and Crabs

The 'Bachelor in Paradise' Premiere: You Can't Take Your Sister With You
Wet Hot American Summer is here, and we’re not talking about the Netflix series.

Episode two of Chris Harrison’s tropical middle school dance picked up right where it left off, with Hurricane Clare descending down from heaven or whatever cloud of disillusionment on which she currently resides.

The loser twice in love gushes that she is optimistic about her sojourn through Bachelor in Paradisefantasizing that it will not only be “amazing” but also “incredible”.

However, her hypotheses are soon swept away with the coastal breeze when she realizes that everyone has already paired off. Even Ashley S. returns from her hospital visit (for reasons still unknown) with Dan lured into her psychopathy (read: aura) and with a plate of french fries at her ready disposal. Dan reveals, “I definitely didn’t think my first date in paradise would be in an emergency room, but I’m glad it was.”

Young Daniel, for if you remain with Maiden Ashley, it is ascertained that there will be plenty of hospital visits in your future.

Clare retreats to her hut where she confides in a crab about the concerns of her tardy arrival to the party. The crustacean has just as much insight to shed on her guilt as her Paradise comrades or viewers at home, for that matter.

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But what fortune arises when Mikey reveals his middle school crush on the damsel in distress! She agrees to go on a date, hoping to go zip lining or “ride dinosaurs”, but alas — early bird gets the prehistoric creatures. Instead, Clare must submit to a class of partnered tantric yoga to reinvigorate the mind, body, spirit and the “priveys“, a Clare-ism for the sexual chakra.

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At the end of an hour of folding into one another, it is clear that Clare has no interest in pursuing “relashees” with her 4th grade courtier. Mikey remains blinded with endearing/concerning visions of their future together both in Paradise and the great beyond.

Ashley S. wines and dines with Dan on a platform in the middle of busy intersection, professing at the end of their date that she likes him “a lot” in a shrimpy attempt at a Bubba Gump accent.

Tenley worries that she won’t be touching knees with any of the men as contestants continue to pair off, so she takes control of her fate by leeching onto frontrunner Jaredwhisking him away to take a walk on the beach.

Meanwhile, Ashley I. fears that she is going to die alone while taking lemon drop shots with her promiscuous ponytail twin, Lauren I. Instead of letting the “old ladies” get all of the tail, she steals Jared from Tenley to comb through his brain waves. The hot commodity remains noncommittal, which manages to puzzle Lauren as they stargaze under the moon over a “community of fake boobies”.

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The rose ceremony cocktail party elicits statistical evidence that plaid shirts are indeed, most contagious.

JJ makes out with Tenley during the cocktail party despite Jillian’s confidence that she will receive his rose while Lauren I.‘s paper dreams of Jared are shredded when she witnesses rose proposal to Clare from afar. She wonders aloud if Sayulita is the right place for a girl like her to find love.

Valid point, Lauren. Where, if not Paradise, might one find a walking thumb like Mikey to wrestle for all of eternity?

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The results of the “inspirational” first week’s rose ceremony are as follows (Spoilers below):

  • Jade + Tanner (duh)
  • Kirk + Carly (double duh)
  • Ashley S. + Dan
  • Juelia + Jonathan
  • Mikey + Clare
  • Jared + His second choice, Ashley I., which automatically saves her sister Lauren I. as Harrison explained last episode in regards to their 2-for-1 deal
  • And finally, after a series of cryptic, passive-aggressive proclamations of an unsettled mind, JJ extends his rose to Tenley, and they happily embrace in complementary shades of pastel.
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Jillian made a sprint to the limo in which she was carted away while lamenting about her premature Mexico FOMO, hoping that one she will one day find love.

Watch the clip below to watch this season’s teaser for Bachelor in Paradise that promises cheating, boogers, mariachi flash mobs, and lots of ugly crying. Episode 3 airs on Sunday, August 9, at 8 p.m. EST on ABC.

[All images courtesy of ABC]