17 Celebrity Fragrances that Aren’t on the Market, But Probably Should Be

Here’s a topic for Kanye West and Donald Trump to hash out in the 2020 presidential debate: Are signature fragrances becoming the avocado toast to celebrity brands?

It seems as though everyone from Rihanna to Johnny Depp either has a perfume or cologne of their own or is the face and/or body of one.

Still, some inhabitants of Hollyweird have not been nibbled the stench bug, leaving their potential fragrances up for debate. Based on real and rumored tabloid events mixed with wishful thinking, the Celebuzz! perfumers have devised a roster of 17 Celebrity Fragrances that Are Not on the Market, But Probably Should Be.

1. Ruby Rosé by Justin Bieber

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CREDIT: AKM-GSI

Consecrating your identity as a pop star with too many feelings from that of a hot fictitious inmate is as simple as a spritz of Bieber’s perfume!

Fragrance Notes: Purified tears, bucket urine, Takis, regret

2. Don’t Tell Your Mother by Demi Lovato

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CREDIT: AKM-GSI

Lovatics can rejoice in the fact that their idol did not call one of their comrades fat or flick them in the genitals, basking in this fruity fragrance that will cool you down not only the summer, but forevermore.

Fragrance Notes: Stale dog food, make-up remover, body positivity, Iggy Azalea’s “obesity whispers”

3. Dead Petz by Miley Cyrus

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CREDIT: AKM-GSI

Who said that you need to go back to college in order to smell like a drum circle?

Fragrance Notes: Bong water, cereal milk, day old pizza, a deteriorated Nicholas Sparks novel (Bottle design by Jeremy Scott)

4. Eau Canada by Ryan Gosling

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CREDIT: AKM-GSI

Let the mist of America’s superior neighbor wash over thee like the meditative soundtrack of Drive.

Fragrance Notes: Warm maple syrup, bacon, Carly-Rae Jepsen, and this guy.

5. Shärt by Ed Sheeran

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CREDIT: AKM-GSI

Forget Poo-Pourri: Embrace the odor of your onstage digestive mishaps like Sir Sheeran!

Fragrance Notes: Tattoo ink, The Muppets, Yorkshire pudding, and, well. You know.

6. Le Geuxp by Gwyneth Paltrow

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CREDIT: AKM-GSI

This all-natural, non-GMO, gluten-free fragrance’s only hidden ingredient is a dash of white elitism!

Fragrance Notes: Kale water, mindfulness, colonics, Jennifer Lawrence envy

7. Rejection by Tara Reid

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CREDIT: AKM-GSI

Your scent may not meet the standards of others, but at least you can say that you tried.

Fragrance Notes: Bowling alley, sharks, peroxide, penetration pie

8. White Diamonds by Taylor Swift

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CREDIT: AKM-GSI

#ScentGoals outweigh #SquadGoals when bad blood with Ian McKellen is all that remains at the end of your world tour.

Fragrance Notes: Extra Virgin Bad Blood, apple (lower-case a), cat hair, Tumblr hearts

9. (Ir)relevancé by Iggy Azalea

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CREDIT: AKM-GSI

May your relevance only be quantified by your degree of pheromonal appeal.

Fragrance Notes: Wilted azaleas, silicone, cat claws, pop tarts

10. Legal Now by Tyga

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CREDIT: AKM-GSI

Test Tyga’s fragrance on sample strips cut from lawsuits that he dodged when Kylie Jenner turned 18!

Fragrance Notes: That new car smell, relief, that old car smell, dick pics, tiger blood

11. #CorrectiveAd by Kim Kardashian

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CREDIT: Instagram

The base notes of Kim’s FDA-approved perfume will only cause mild disillusionment when choosing products to endorse!

Fragrance Notes: Contaminated breast milk, morning sickness, doxylamine succinate and pyridoxine HCI 

12. Azucar by Nick Jonas

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CREDIT: Instagram

What separates real men from those who emerge from beginnings as a diabetic Disney star is an irrefutable musk.

Fragrance Notes: Glucose tablets, armpit, promise ring rust, tweenage drool

13. Grandmother Monster by Lady Gaga

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CREDIT: AKM-GSI

You can’t teach an old dog new tricks, but you can invigorate their youth with Gaga’s perfume and a dress made purely of macerated meat.

Fragrance Notes: Tony Bennett’s IV Drip, eczema cream, Ensure, mothballs

14. Nanny Guilt by Ben Affleck

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CREDIT: AKM-GSI

Post-divorce allegations got you stuck in a lumberjack facial hair slump? Reset the palate of your boy-next-door appeal with Affleck’s cologne.

Fragrance Notes: Dog hair, melted iced coffee, Dad bod, beard crumbs

15. Biche Basiqué by Lauren Conrad

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CREDIT: AKM-GSI

If you could capture the essence of Pinterest in one Mason Jar, it would be Biche Basiqué by Lauren Conrad.

Fragrance Notes: Chambray, Pumpkin Spice, Yoga Bowls, Acaï

16. Patchouli Oil Smells Kinda Nice by Giuliana Rancic

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CREDIT: AKM-GSI

It does! Why would anyone ever say anything otherwise? (But Kelly Osbourne still smells like a — COOL IT, GIRLS.)

Fragrance Notes: Patchouli Oil

17. Prosciutto by Chrissy Teigen

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CREDIT: Instagram

Immerse yourself in Chef Teigen’s fragrance like Osso Bucco simmering at low heat for 4 hours in a Dutch oven.

Fragrance Notes: Sriracha, soup, sh-t on toast, pepperthai

**BONUS GIFT: Buy any fragrance and receive a free sample of Oprah’s perfume, BEES!!!!

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CREDIT: Giphy