Celebuzz Presents the First Annual ‘Summer’s End Thirsty 30′
Summer may be over, but it’s still hot outside! Don’t let yourself get too thirsty.
While normally “thirsty” is used to describe a person’s horniness, the word has evolved, at least for our purposes, to also mean “horny for fame, attention, and applause.” These 30 stars stopped at nothing — nothing — this summer in their quest to become a household name with a No. 1 single, a No. 1 movie, or at least a few extra thousand Instagram followers.
So, without further delay, please peruse our ranking — which is definitive, as all of our rankings are — of this summer’s thirstiest celebs, in order from thirstiest to most thirstiest.
30) Kim Kardashian
Thirst-O-Meter Reading: Perpetually thirsty, but actually relatively low-key this summer. However, she did Instagram a selfie promoting a non-FDA-approved morning sickness drug (for a fee, most likely), a move so wildly desperate she was forced to post a corrective ad.
Thirst-O-Meter Reading: The former innovator ripped off Taylor Swift’s “cram in all of the celebrities” marketing ploy for her abysmal, bargain bin “Bitch I’m Madonna” video. Also: posted a video of her son’s jiggling dingle to her official Instagram.
28) Julianne Hough
27) Chris Brown
26) Selena Gomez
Thirst-O-Meter Reading: Successfully concluded quest to become world’s most obnoxious couple.
Thirst-O-Meter Reading: Both spoke countless times about their mutual frenemies, the Kardashians/Jenners, in an attempt to keep the news cycles about their various feuds fed. Showed up at the MTV Video Music Awards looking like this. Supposedly signed on for a reality series.
23) Calvin Harris
Thirst-O-Meter Reading: Thirstily rushed (via Twitter, naturally) to girlfriend Taylor Swift’s defense at every irrelevant opportunity, often times before he realized she wasn’t even being attacked. Became an underwear model.
22) Hilary Duff
Thirst-O-Meter Reading: Made a music video that doubled as an ad for Tinder.
21) Ed Sheeran
Thirst-O-Meter Reading: Talked publicly about sharting himself, because some people will do literally anything to see their name in a headline.
20) Blake Lively
19) Jaime King
Thirst-O-Meter Reading: Ariana wrote a manifesto, licked a donut, flashed her booty, and ultimately became one of the most despised celebrities in America. (That’s one way to grab a headline!) Frankie, best known for saying, “Shine bright like a Frankie!,” took time out of his busy schedule to start beef with Selena Gomez via Snapchat.
17) Meek Mill
16) Donald Trump
Thirst-O-Meter Reading: Wants to be President of the United States, the thirstiest aspiration of all.
15) Farrah Abraham
Thirst-O-Meter Reading: Named herself her own #WCW.
Thirst-O-Meter Reading: Tarnished the legacy of Joan Rivers’ Fashion Police by constantly making catty remarks about each other in the press, even after one of them left the show.
12) J.K. Rowling
Thirst-O-Meter Reading: Used social media as a venue for several mini Harry Potter encores, apparently forgetting that particular book series saw its last installment published eight years ago.
11) Iggy Azalea
Thirst-O-Meter Reading: Returned to social media so that she could personally (but publicly) tell fans how great she is and how awesome she’s doing despite the fact she had to cancel her tour and that her most notable work of a the year, a feature on Britney Spears’ “Pretty Girls,” was a commercial and critical failure. Worked with Demi Lovato / is friends with Demi Lovato period.
Thirst-O-Meter Reading: Rose to dubious fame on the back of rumors she had an affair with Ben Affleck, the result of which was the dissolution of his marriage to Jennifer Garner.
9) Kylie Jenner
Thirst-O-Meter Reading: Basically morphed into her infinitely more famous step-sibling, Kim Kardashian, overnight. Leased a $450,000 car for her birthday but told people her boyfriend gave it to her as a gift.
Thirst-O-Meter Reading: Played into the media frenzy about his technically illegal sexual relationship with Kylie Jenner by releasing songs about having sex with her. Pretended to buy Kylie a car for her birthday.
7) Zayn Malik
Thirst-O-Meter Reading: After quitting his band under the pretense of needing time out of the spotlight, he immediately parlayed media interest into a solo record deal. Plus: dumped longtime fiancée, shaded her on Twitter, and engaged in multiple social media beefs with other musicians.
5) The Muppets
Thirst-O-Meter Reading: Concocted a tabloid-esque marketing scheme about the romantic lives of felt puppets in order to promote a show about said felt puppets.
4) Rita Ora
Thirst-O-Meter Reading: Worked with the abominable Chris Brown with the hope their collaboration would finally land her a stateside hit. (It didn’t.) Continued to discuss her breakup with Calvin Harris — who is currently dating the biggest pop star in the world — which happened more than a year ago.
3) Taylor Swift
Thirst-O-Meter Reading: Regularly harnessed the thirst of lesser celebrities by trotting those lessers out at every possible opportunity, thereby (nearly) quenching her own unquenchable thirst for media coverage. Leveraged lost Twitter battle against Nicki Minaj into absolutely unremarkable VMA performance.
2) Nick Jonas
Thirst-O-Meter Reading: Brazenly pandered to thirsty gay men in such a debased manner that it could be read as close to offensive.
1) Demi Lovato
Thirst-O-Meter Reading: Completely abandoned every annoyingly righteous belief she once held — and she held many — in favor of taking on the banal image of a generically sexed-up pop star wannabe. Named her album Confident, despite the fact, according to this evidence, she’s apparently not. Had Iggy Azalea reveal the title of one of her new songs / is friends with Iggy Azalea period.
This has been Celebuzz’s First Annual Summer’s End Thirsty 30. Go on and fetch yourself a tall glass of water, ya hear?