Celebuzz Presents the First Annual ‘Summer’s End Thirsty 30′

2015 So Far
Everything that DIDN'T happen...

Summer may be over, but it’s still hot outside! Don’t let yourself get too thirsty.

While normally “thirsty” is used to describe a person’s horniness, the word has evolved, at least for our purposes, to also mean “horny for fame, attention, and applause.” These 30 stars stopped at nothing — nothing — this summer in their quest to become a household name with a No. 1 single, a No. 1 movie, or at least a few extra thousand Instagram followers.

So, without further delay, please peruse our ranking — which is definitive, as all of our rankings are — of this summer’s thirstiest celebs, in order from thirstiest to most thirstiest.

30) Kim Kardashian

Thirst-O-Meter Reading: Perpetually thirsty, but actually relatively low-key this summer. However, she did Instagram a selfie promoting a non-FDA-approved morning sickness drug (for a fee, most likely), a move so wildly desperate she was forced to post a corrective ad.

29) Madonna

Thirst-O-Meter Reading: The former innovator ripped off Taylor Swift’s “cram in all of the celebrities” marketing ploy for her abysmal, bargain bin “Bitch I’m Madonna” video. Also: posted a video of her son’s jiggling dingle to her official Instagram.

28) Julianne Hough

Thirst-O-Meter Reading: Feels like she got engaged because she wanted to read an article titled “Julianne Hough Got Engaged.” Has a lifestyle blog.

27) Chris Brown

Thirst-O-Meter Reading: Got not one, but two head tattoos. Publicly battled with the not-famous mother of his lovechild. Worked with Rita Ora.

26) Selena Gomez

Thirst-O-Meter Reading: Spent equal amount of time talking about Justin Bieber and complaining about talking about Justin Bieber.

25) Sofia Vergara and Joe Manganiello

Thirst-O-Meter Reading: Successfully concluded quest to become world’s most obnoxious couple.

24) Amber Rose and Blac Chyna

Thirst-O-Meter Reading: Both spoke countless times about their mutual frenemies, the Kardashians/Jenners, in an attempt to keep the news cycles about their various feuds fed. Showed up at the MTV Video Music Awards looking like this. Supposedly signed on for a reality series.

23) Calvin Harris

Thirst-O-Meter Reading: Thirstily rushed (via Twitter, naturally) to girlfriend Taylor Swift’s defense at every irrelevant opportunity, often times before he realized she wasn’t even being attacked. Became an underwear model.

22) Hilary Duff

Thirst-O-Meter Reading: Made a music video that doubled as an ad for Tinder.

21) Ed Sheeran

Thirst-O-Meter Reading: Talked publicly about sharting himself, because some people will do literally anything to see their name in a headline.

20) Blake Lively

Thirst-O-Meter Reading: Designed a $900 diaper bag. Has a lifestyle blog.

19) Jaime King

Thirst-O-Meter Reading: Used relationship with Taylor Swift as pregnancy PR. Used relationship with Taylor Swift to make ill-informed argument about actors’ rights.

18) Ariana and Frankie Grande

Thirst-O-Meter Reading: Ariana wrote a manifesto, licked a donut, flashed her booty, and ultimately became one of the most despised celebrities in America. (That’s one way to grab a headline!) Frankie, best known for saying, “Shine bright like a Frankie!,” took time out of his busy schedule to start beef with Selena Gomez via Snapchat.

17) Meek Mill

Thirst-O-Meter Reading: Came for Drake in a truly embarrassing fashion and many times over.

16) Donald Trump

Thirst-O-Meter Reading: Wants to be President of the United States, the thirstiest aspiration of all.

15) Farrah Abraham

Thirst-O-Meter Reading: Named herself her own #WCW.

14) Ian Somerhalder and Nikki Reed

Thirst-O-Meter Reading: Shared “new wedding photos and details” on, like, 12 separate occasions. This.

13) Kelly Osbourne and Giuliana Rancic

Thirst-O-Meter Reading: Tarnished the legacy of Joan Rivers’ Fashion Police by constantly making catty remarks about each other in the press, even after one of them left the show.

12) J.K. Rowling

Thirst-O-Meter Reading: Used social media as a venue for several mini Harry Potter encores, apparently forgetting that particular book series saw its last installment published eight years ago.

11) Iggy Azalea

Thirst-O-Meter Reading: Returned to social media so that she could personally (but publicly) tell fans how great she is and how awesome she’s doing despite the fact she had to cancel her tour and that her most notable work of a the year, a feature on Britney Spears’ “Pretty Girls,” was a commercial and critical failure. Worked with Demi Lovato / is friends with Demi Lovato period. 

10) Ben Affleck’s Nanny (Christine Ouzounian):

Thirst-O-Meter Reading: Rose to dubious fame on the back of rumors she had an affair with Ben Affleck, the result of which was the dissolution of his marriage to Jennifer Garner.

Thirsty-Celebs-Bens-Nanny

9) Kylie Jenner

Thirst-O-Meter Reading: Basically morphed into her infinitely more famous step-sibling, Kim Kardashian, overnight. Leased a $450,000 car for her birthday but told people her boyfriend gave it to her as a gift.

Thirsty-Celebs-Kylie-Jenner

8) Tyga

Thirst-O-Meter Reading: Played into the media frenzy about his technically illegal sexual relationship with Kylie Jenner by releasing songs about having sex with her. Pretended to buy Kylie a car for her birthday.

Thirsty-Celebs-Tyga

7) Zayn Malik

Thirst-O-Meter Reading: After quitting his band under the pretense of needing time out of the spotlight, he immediately parlayed media interest into a solo record deal. Plus: dumped longtime fiancée, shaded her on Twitter, and engaged in multiple social media beefs with other musicians.

Thirsty-Celebs-Zayn-Malik

6) Justin Bieber

Thirst-O-Meter Reading: Cried like a baby after a mediocre-at-best performance during the summer’s biggest awards show. The entire “What Do You Mean” social media campaign.

Thirsty-Celebs-Justin-Bieber

5) The Muppets

Thirst-O-Meter Reading: Concocted a tabloid-esque marketing scheme about the romantic lives of felt puppets in order to promote a show about said felt puppets.

Thirsty-Celebs-The-Muppets

4) Rita Ora

Thirst-O-Meter Reading: Worked with the abominable Chris Brown with the hope their collaboration would finally land her a stateside hit. (It didn’t.) Continued to discuss her breakup with Calvin Harris — who is currently dating the biggest pop star in the world — which happened more than a year ago.

Thirsty-Celebs-Rita-Ora

3) Taylor Swift

Thirst-O-Meter Reading: Regularly harnessed the thirst of lesser celebrities by trotting those lessers out at every possible opportunity, thereby (nearly) quenching her own unquenchable thirst for media coverage. Leveraged lost Twitter battle against Nicki Minaj into absolutely unremarkable VMA performance.

Thirsty-Celebs-Taylor-Swift

2) Nick Jonas

Thirst-O-Meter Reading: Brazenly pandered to thirsty gay men in such a debased manner that it could be read as close to offensive.

Thirsty-Celebs-Nick-Jonas

1) Demi Lovato

Thirst-O-Meter Reading: Completely abandoned every annoyingly righteous belief she once held — and she held many — in favor of taking on the banal image of a generically sexed-up pop star wannabe. Named her album Confident, despite the fact, according to this evidence, she’s apparently not. Had Iggy Azalea reveal the title of one of her new songs / is friends with Iggy Azalea period.

Thirsty-Celebs-Demi-Lovato

This has been Celebuzz’s First Annual Summer’s End Thirsty 30. Go on and fetch yourself a tall glass of water, ya hear?