10 Celebrity-Approved Audiobooks to Plug in Your Ears While Stuck in Holiday Traffic

at 4:00 pm | By
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Keep calm and audiobook on.

Thanksgiving signifies that these three holiday season F-words are in your foreseeable future:

  1. Food.
  2. Family (like it or not).
  3. And, F*cking traffic.

Entertainment options are limited when you’re stuck in a sea of red lights on the Interstate, nestled between grandma and your weird uncle who keeps asking to swipe through your “Timber” account. The folks at Audible want your rides through the 6 to be without such woes, and have thusly curated a list of 10 Celebrity-Approved Audiobooks that will maintain your sanity until dinnertime.

CREDIT: Celebuzz, Mia Lardiere

1. Locke & Key by Joe Hill and Gabriel Rodriguez — If you enjoy scaring the living daylights out of yourself, “Locke & Key” is the book for you! Haley Joel Osment (The Sixth Sense), Tatiana Maslany (Orphan Black), Kate Mulgrew (aka “Red” from Orange is the New Black), and more narrate the story of a family who tries to move on after their father is murdered by a deranged high school student.

2. Slaughterhouse-Five by Kurt Vonnegut — We know. You just can’t wait untilJames Franco‘s 100-page fanfic about Lana del Rey comes out of March of 2016. Bide your time by listening to Franco tell the tale of a man who becomes unstuck in time after being abducted by aliens from the planet Tralfamadore.

3. Bream Gives Me Hiccups by Jesse Eisenberg — Do you spend the dessert course at holiday dinner staring down at your Keurig coffee in disdain, thinking to yourself, “AND THEY CALL THIS CREMA?!” If the answer is yes, your quirk level is satisfactory for Eisenberg’s collection of fictitious accounts of misfittery throughout history, spanning from ancient Pompeii to an LA dorm room.

4. White Man’s Problems by Kevin Morris — Put Matthew McConaughey, Minnie Driver, and the co-creator of South Park in a recording booth to rant about first-world problems like jury duty and chaperoning a school field trip, and the product is “White Man’s Problems”.

5. Breakfast of Champions by Kurt Vonnegut — John Malkovich said that Being John Malkovich was like getting a bad blowjob. Fortunately, his narration of Kurt Vonnegut’s obsessions is aural pleasure that you will want to enjoy again and again.

6. The Art of War by Sun Tzu — Hey Game of Thrones fans! Do you crave more Littlefinger in your life? Well press play on “The Art of War” to listen to him explain the inner-workings of the Chinese military.

7. High-Rise by J.G. Ballard — Entrap yourself within the confines of a luxurious apartment building with Tom Hiddleston as he recounts this bougier remix of the classic “Lord of Flies“.

8. Carmilla by Joseph Sheridan Le Fanu — Nerd Alert: This is an erotic story about vampires narrated by the tenth Dr. WhoDavid Tennant, and Rose Leslie from Game of Thrones and Downton Abbey. Do we have your attention?

9. Go Set a Watchman by Harper Lee — Catching up with your beloved characters from “To Kill a Mockingbird” seems like a chore if you’re not of the literary mindset. This narration of “Go Set a Watchman” by Reese Witherspoon is like taking a sour green apple and dipping it in caramel, but you know, with a poignant historical novel.

10. Modern Romance by Aziz Ansari and Eric Klinenberg — Close your eyes. Imagine you’re stranded on an island without Bumble or your Netflix account to binge watch Master of None. Are you having a panic attack? The only remedy is Aziz’s unmistakable voice coursing you through his candid research about the modern dating world and a robotic stuffed seal named PARO.

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