The 12 Days of Chrissymas: My Chrissy Teigen-Inspired, So Delushious, Pre-Holiday Diet ‘Cleanse’
Bring on the guac.
I’ve been quoted to say it, and I’ll say it again: Chrissy Teigen is the Julia Child of our generation. She takes her food seriously, but never herself, and wholly embraces cheese. Her social media influence is spectacular. Tap on any ‘foodie’ familiar with her Instagram account and they’ll tell you how they’re chomping at the bit to get their hands on her forthcoming debut cook book. I, for one, am too hungry to wait, and decided to go on a 12-day Julie & Julia-esque Chrissy Teigen culinary immersion with recipes from her blog, So Delushious, ahead of her book’s 2016 release.
They say that the first step of an effective 12-Step program is to admit powerlessness to your addiction. Consider this my submission to all of that is Sriracha and all so very @pepperthai2.
Day 1: Cheesy Guacamole (Links to her recipes always in bold)
Ask me if I’d like to see your Instagram photo of avocado toast and I will kindly tell you to drop your mobile device into the toaster. However, I made this one exception because I needed lunch and am already quite self-loathing.
I took Chef Teigen’s Super Bowl Special Cheesy Guacamole and made two large crostini (yes, let’s call them that) out of raisin and rye toast. What’s that you ask? Oh, no. Those aren’t cinder blocks on my cutting board. They’re just two pieces of toast that I neglected to smell burning from two feet away! Rye toast was good, but raisin played a smooth ‘sweet and savory’ game, if you’re into that kinda thing.
Day 2: Prosciutto Figs
When I die, I hope that I will be wrapped in cured meat just like these figs. I had to swap in dried figs because I live south of Bumblef*ck, where finding fresh figs is like finding Jared Vogel’s redeeming qualities. This made my version extra crispy which, when coupled with a sprinkle of rosemary, was a sweet treat alongside of a cheese platter and a gnocchi bar with three kinds of sauces, including a short rib ragù.
Day 3: Baked Eggs in Ham Cups
I enjoy a good recipe that involves a ramekin because ‘ramekin’ is such a great word. In fact, I hope that Gwyneth Paltrow might bear another child and consider naming it ‘Ramekin’. For day three, I chose to make a hybrid of her Greek and Italian ham cups because I believe in a world where our food can thrive in racial equality.
I am adopted from South America. I like spice. My Italian mother does not. When I tried to feed her this delicious, sinus-clearing chili, she proceeded to do the following:
This is footage of the @pepperthai2 to my @chrissyteigen (OR SO I THOUGHT) removing all of the Serrano peppers from her bowl. I thought that what we had was special, but she’ll get hers 30 years down the road when it’s time to put her in the home.
I feel guilty eating carbs in front of my office mate when I work from home because she is on a strict gluten-free, low-carb diet. She was delighted to know that she was allowed to taste this flavorful, veggie alternative to pasta. The long ribbons of zucchini twirl around your fork just like fettuccine, however, my Bichon Frise Lily took a cannibalistic approach.
Day 6: Oven Zucchini Fries
Chrissy Teigen’s Instagram photo of her Zucchini Fries got 125K likes. Mine got 13. Could it be because I forewent the Sriracha mayo for straight Sriracha? We may never know.
Redacted: We will never know. Mayonnaise makes me hurl.
Day 7: Baked Spaghetti Squash
While carbs sit at the corner of happy and healthy in my diet, cheese is a Jenga tower on my digestive system. Forgive my honesty if you happen to be eating. I experimented with tofu and Greek yogurt as swaps for fresh mozzarella, still showered in Pecorino Romano cheese.
Before you judge me for putting yogurt on a roasted vegetable, I should have you know that John Stamos’s preferred breakfast item has glorious transformative properties when placed under the broiler. It got crispy on top and folded into the strands like ricotta cheese. Don’t believe me? Try it. You won’t.
Day 8: Fish en Palpoiette
I had the house to myself this night so I decided that my loneliness would be best accompanied by red snapper and pantslessness, as Chrissy would have wanted. I gained an extra muscle in my tricep from cranking fresh pepper, so eating the whole package was well-deserved! I also learned that wearing less clothes while you’re eating allows more room for flavor. #TheMoreYouKnow
Day 9: @pepperthai2’s Larb Moo
The entire preparation of this dish was narrated by a series of “WTF’s”. I don’t own a mortar and pestle, so I had to grind a chicken bouillon cube in a coffee grinder. I f*cked up the shallot-roasting phase even though it’s supposed to look “like you f*cked up” and the pork didn’t quite brown on account of adding too much liquid.
Chrissy says to serve this with cabbage, but I wasn’t sure if it was supposed to be raw or steamed. I panicked and made both. Still don’t know what I made, but I do know that vegetables tastes exponentially better doused in pork fat. My dad concurs.
Day 10: Giant Shrimp and Pork Dumplings
This is a recipe from Chrissy’s cook book, and you should be excited about it based on these dank soup results.
Oof, talk about flavor bombs! Pork and shrimp make a great pair by land and by sea. I had to watch a YouTube video on how to fold dumplings because the instructions on the package were a non-helpful origami diagram. Some of them opened in the broth, but I think this was because I made too many and they stuck together while they cooked. Don’t do this.
I’ll let the evidence speak for itself on this one.
I saved the Legend’s legendary recipe for the twelfth and final day of my So Delushious cooking marathon. Martha Stewart’s grin expresses my tummy’s content after chomping into a chicken leg smothered with Sriracha.
Going into this endeavor, I knew that there was only way to capture this sweet moment of Legendary victory à la Ms. Teigen.
And so, I did it.
The 12 Days of Chrissymas tested my lactose intolerance and my relationship with my mother, but it also introduced my palate to a world of new flavors and simple meal preparations. It even inspired an original recipe for Herb and Lemon Fish en Papillote with Rainbow Chard, which you can find right here.
If you haven’t already pre-ordered Chrissy’s upcoming cookbook, “Cravings: Recipes for What You Want to Eat”, drop what/who you’re doing and click here to put that sh*t in your Amazon cart immediately. Her recipes treat your belly like John Legend’s music treats your ears, and most importantly, they are deliciously foolproof for Michelin-rated microwave users. Still not convinced? Just ask the Lifestyle Amateur who still has ten fingers to document her Chrissy Chronicles.