‘Twas the Night Before Saintmas: Saint West’s Nativity Story

In the blunder of Kim Kardashian’s updates awaiting Baby Yeezus,
Her son’s birth date was set for Christmas, just like Baby Jesus.


Thus, his arrival warranted its own nativity tale,
Even though he was born three weeks early. #Fail.

So gather your own Kardashi-Kin front and center
To experience this night from the viewpoint of Kylie Jenner.

***

‘Twas the Night Before Saintmas:
Saint West’s Nativity Story

’Twas the night before Saintmas, when all through Calabasas
Not a tree helper was stirring, not even to trespass
The stockings were hung, filled with mugwort with care
In hopes that Kim’s baby soon would be there

Tyga was nestled, all snug in his bed
While visions of Marshmallow Booty danced in his head
And Kendall in her Balmain and I in my cap
Had just picked a filter for a livestream on my app

When out of the driveway there arose such a clatter
I opened my iPhone to see what was the matter
Away to the security cam, I swiped Snapchat away
And opened the app to view my driveway

The zoom on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Gave clarity to the moving objects below
When, what to my color contact’d eyes should display
But an Uber chartered by Kim and Kanye

With a little old driver, and a BabyBjorn strapped to his chest
I knew in a moment it must be the arrival of Saint West.
More rapid than a wig change, in his caravan he came
And whistled and shouted and called us by name:

“Now Kris! Now Khloé! Now, Kendall and Kylie! On Khloé! On Kourtney! On Mason and Penelope! To the seat of your Beamer, to the seats of your Rolls! Now DASH away! DASH away! DASH away, dolls!”

As loose hair extensions that before hurricane fly,
when they meet with the wind, make way to Cedar Sinai
so up to the maternity ward the Kardashians, we flew,
with the sleigh full of goodies—some from cousin Blue.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard from the delivery room
the prancing and pawing of a baby boom
Just as Hailey Baldwin sent a photo of her hairdo
down the “chute” Saint West came with a “Bound 2

He was dressed all in Yeezy Season 1, from his hands to his shoe,
and his clothes were all tarnished with spit up and poo.
A bundle of toys were stacked like chips to play poker
Yet no push present of a Lorraine Schwartz diamond choker

His eyes—how they sparkled! His nose, like a sweet pea
His little bum cheeks glistened just like the Kimoji!
On Kourtney’s lap, upright did he sit
While I smooched his head, stained with Kylie’s Lip Kit

Kris rattled away on the phone like a yenta
While the doctor freeze-dried Kimmy’s placenta
Khloé read us excerpts of her new book
Sharing slices of pie, WHICH SHE TOTALLY COOKED
Saint was the right name for the heir of Kanye’s throne
Even though he’d never have a pole of his own

Sister North watched on from the corner of the room
As all attention was paid to the latest babe from Kim’s womb
Kardashian boys never mattered, with the exception of Rob
And so she began to sob, and sob,

I said to Kourtney, “Do something! You’re a mom.”
“Oh relax,” she replied. “In a few minutes she’ll be calm.”
But North’s jealous tears flowed mightier than water
It had never been more evident that she was Kim’s daughter

I stopped twirling in a hospital gown for Instagram
To console little North, since no one else gave a damn
“You know what will make you feel better?” I said, as she clung to my knee
“Go borrow mommy’s phone and take a big girl selfie.”

In an instant, North sprang to Kim’s Louis V
Rummaging wildly for her Blackberry
Mischievous she was, but ever so merry
The color returned to her cheeks like a cherry

Her pupils twinkled like stars in the night
And the Internet watched, ‘ere North tweeted out of sight,

 

jhjhh’ to all, and to all, a good night.