Golden Globes 2016: A Zagat-Style Twitter Rating of Best Motion Picture Nominees

This is as high-brow as 140 characters can get.

Everyone’s a critic in this “golden” age of social media, which comes in handy around awards season when you haven’t seen any of the nominated films and need an opinion to appropriate as your own. We have your back with this handy Zagat-style guide of the films nominated for Best Motion Picture at the 2016 Golden Globes, based on Twitter commentary from the peanut gallery, to tote along to viewing parties in the company of film snobs.

Take these musings and mutter them along as the nominees roll on screen while you swirl a glass of whisky. Just be sure to quietly pass a “favorite” along to the Twitics when their suggestions lead you to support the right film.

Best Motion Picture, Drama

Carol

Carol “is basically a movie about Cate Blanchett smoking and sucking something”, “but Rooney Mara defines [the film] with her slow burning fluid performance”. It “might be the first great movie to feature no cats”, leaving Twitter critics “incredibly impressed it was shot on Super 16mm” film. General audiences presumed that the principal characters would “soar off a cliff at the end of this movie” or that “the ending was going to be bittersweet and predictable, but holy s—t it ended up being so good”.

People “love that movie holy f—k”.

Mad Max: Fury Road

“Diversity ruined Star Wars in Force Awakens as much as it ruined Mad Max: Fury Road. Not at all. Unless you’re a dickhead.” Audiences “bloody loved it”. It’s “such a class movie”. A “bloomin’ mint”, even.  It “astounded” movie-goers at cinemas, a “perfected craft in support of a thrilling story”, though seeing it a second time around “helps see more of it’s greatness.”

The Revenant

Spoiler alert: Leo [DiCaprio] plays an indestructible superhero” in this “f–ckeddd up“, “f–cking bomb ass movie” that features a bear attack sequence being deemed “one of the most intense scenes ever to be put on screen”. DiCaprio is “in full Jeremiah Johnson meets Wolverine mode“, but “do not imagine Rowan Atkinson in the lead. It ruins the movie.” Iñárritu’s film is “basically a metaphor for what Leo has gone through to win an Oscar”.You can just tell that The Revenant was one of those movie sets with lots of pranks and riffing.” “👌👌👌”

Room

Roomexplores a painful, powerful perspective of reality” that left holiday movie goers asking, “What’s Star Wars?” It’s kind of like Tina Fey’s Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, “only instead of laughter you get emotionally crippling sadness. But in a good way.” Audiences “loved the little kid“, Jacob Tremblay, and compare his “breathtaking” performance to “a young Lukas Haas in Witness circa ’85″.

 

Spotlight

Former journalists would love Spotlighteven if it was just OK … but it’s astounding with a crushing reveal” that they “never saw coming”. It’s a “beast of a film” with “amazing performances from Mark Ruffalo, Michael Keaton, etc.”. New Englanders call it “the most genuinely Bostony movie” that they’ve “seen in years.” “You can practically smell it”.

Though some take to issue with “Keaton going full ‘You wanna get nuts? C’mon! Let’s get nuts!’” and “John Slattery pronounces Florida ‘Flordia’”, Spotlight is “one of those movies where” viewers “never went for a popcorn bucket refill!”

Best Motion Picture, Comedy

The Big Short

Viewers of The Big ShortLoved.Every.Minute.” of the film in which “Ryan Gosling’s character really is a total dick”. “Spiteful, harsh, and sobering”, Adam McKay’s drama boasts “great performances but a bloated script”. “Editor Hank Corwin spins that movie like a DJ”, causing audiences to say, “I feel like the sides of my head are going to blow off.” “You need a PhD with a 4.0 GPA from Harvard Law school to understand the movie”, but instinctively you will learn that “we should all start paying attention to the Michael Burry’s of the world.

Joy

“If a mop gets you hyped, Joy is the movie for you.” David O. Russell’s biopic about “real life Cinderella” and entrepreneur Joy Mangano instills an internal fight to “NEVER give up on a dream”. The film “stressed” some “the f**k out tbh”, it was “refreshing to see a movie about a strong woman where romance wasn’t a major plot line“. Some “would rather have surgery or walk into traffic than re-watch it”, but at least “Jennifer Lawrence’s sunglasses were fly.” The best part might be “when Bradley Cooper finally comes on halfway through the movie and ‘it’s about time’ can be heard throughout the audience.”

The Martian

In The Martian, “Matt Damon is an inhabitant of Mars, so technically he is a Martian.” It’s an IMAX experience with “beautiful visuals and scenery“, but is “totally unbelievable” based on the stressful plot line set in space. “There’s no way all of those people would have been so attractive.” Still, it’s “the movie that Interstellar wanted to be“. Ridley Scott’s film is audience’s “favorite movie about the Mars potato famine of 2015″ and the only movie influencing desire “to be left on a planet for a year”.

Spy

Melissa McCarthy is a fantastic badass” in the movie Spy, featuring “Rose Byrne and her perfect resting bitch face”. Paul Feig’s comedy about an undercover CIA analyst confirms that we are “still very much in love with Jude Law”. It’s “not perfect but almost”, but critics are “really happy that the same guy is doing the new Ghostbusters”. Praises go to the flick that showcases “women leading a comedy playing women leading a spy operation putting incompetent male agents in their place. Plus, explosions.” We “shouldn’t have doubted it.”

Trainwreck

“PSA: Trainwreck is NOT a movie to watch with your parents”. Actually, watching this “awesome yet disturbingly relatable movie” “when you’re high is the best”. It features “some all time cameos from Lebron [James] and [John] Cena, and “Tilda Swinton is totally unrecognizable”. It makes dads say, “Ha! What a train wreck”, and watching it is one of the best “things you can do while on hold with United Airlines”. “Lmao lmao”. “Amy Schumer should win something”.

Launch the gallery at the top of the page to view photos of 26 first-time Golden Globes nominees.