Here Are 8 Songs That Do What Zayn Malik’s “PillowTalk” Is Trying to Do But Better

'PillowTalk' Is Here
Watch Zayn's new video starring Gigi Hadid.

On his new single, “PillowTalk,” Zayn Malik wants to convince you that he has definitely, 100 percent, no doubt about it had sexual intercourse with a woman. Unfortunately, the song does little to convince us that this is true.

Let’s just get this out of the way: “Pillowtalk” is not a good song. For a variety of reasons. One reason: why is he screeching screaming? The song is called “PillowTalk,” dude; do you yell at women after you bone them? (Probably, actually.) For another thing, this song is a cheap imitation of an incredibly popular style of R&B — some call it Future R&B, others Alt-R&B, some just call it R&B, and some refuse to give it a name at all — that other people have been making for years. If you think “PillowTalk” is a good song, well… everyone’s entitled to their own opinions, I guess, but here are eight songs that accomplish that song’s goals much, much, much more effectively.

Miguel – “Coffee”

Listening to Miguel is the closest you will come to sex without actually having it.

The Weeknd – “Often”

The Weeknd’s sound is the template for much of today’s popular R&B. There’s a reason; he’s very good at doing what he does, which is making you feel things down below.

The-Dream – “Fruition”

The-Dream has been making convincing sex music since before fame was but a twinkle in Zayn’s dreamy eyes.

Jeremih – “Oui”

Yes, yes, yes, yes, YES, YESSSS, YAAAASSSSSSS!

Majid Jordan – Day and Night

Treat me right, day and night. Don’t yell at me after.

Justin Bieber – “Company”

This one’s gotta hurt.

Chris Brown – “Back to Sleep”

That I am recommending you listen to a Chris Brown song just goes to show how dire the situation has become. Regardless of how Brown behaves as a human, he’s more compelling as a sex god than Zayn.

Frank Ocean – “Pyramids”

An oldie but a goodie. Just goes to show that Zayn’s forward-thinking sex-pop is literally years behind the times.

Now that you’ve listened to these songs — if you need a moment alone with yourself, I understand — have a listen again to Zayn’s “PillowTalk” and try to convince me you think he’s playing on the same level.