A Detailed Analysis of Lady GaGa's New "Alejandro" Video (VIDEO)
Guys, it's here! Lady GaGa's new music video for "Alejandro"! And as always, it's really weird and confusing, so in an effort to help make sense of it all for you, your friends here at Celebuzz have liveblogged it in its entirety, which you can follow along with below.
00:01 -- Giant titles shout "GAGA", "KLEIN", and "ALEJANDRO". I think that may be German for "GaGa does weird stuff with some guy named Alejandro".
00:04 -- The first images are of fishnet stockings on leather-daddy police officers who are sitting around and looking serious. Classic GaGa.
00:40 -- Now there's some kind of scary robot spandex army dance-marching down a ramp to what I'm guessing is a sex dungeon/locker room. I think I recognize these dudes from Michael Jackson's woefully unheralded movie Moonwalker.
00:48 -- And they're not wearing shirts! And they're super-RIPPED!
01:03 -- Our first image of GaGa! Yep, she's totally weird-looking! Looks like she's chosen a pretty standard welding goggles/'futuristic H.P. Lovecraft alien crown" ensemble.
01:10 -- Someone's carrying a heart on a black velvet pillow, which makes GaGa look starving/horny. That's how we always feel when we see human hearts carried around on fancy pillows!
01:20 -- Oh also, we're at a snowy funeral, for those of you "plot-enthusiasts" out there. Violin music, dramatic slow-motion shots, goth pallbearers: everyone seems pretty sad and fabulous.
01:58 -- Now a naked gay man in a spiky Nazi helmet is holding a golden pistol. That's just what happens sometimes.
02:03 -- GaGa, now on costume #3, delivers a eulogy to the dead person (presumably the one whose heart everyone's going to devour after the blood orgy). I think that's Alejandro? Maybe that would explain why she's speaking in a cartoonish Speedy Gonzales accent?
02:25 -- Oh hey, some music started playing. I totally forgot this was a music video.
02:30 -- Now GaGa is just kicking back, maxin', relaxin' all cool with her hash pipe, surveying her kingdom of sexually ambiguous man-dancers.
03:00 -- Now the leather daddy dance ensemble is doing a big choreographed number in front of a black and white movie screen playing random old war footage. This is the only thing that cheers her up.
03:42 -- Costume #4. GaGa is in a red leather nun habit now. I bet conservative catholics are thinking they had it good back when Madonna was doing this stuff.
03:55 -- Now she's down to her bra and panties, giving what appears to be the scariest massage ever to one of the dancers she's tied to a bed.
04:20 -- Still in her skivvies and pasty white make-up/wig, GaGa joins the dance slaves for a little mid-vid soft-shoe.
04:50 -- Someone is definitely getting raped here. I just can't figure out if it's GaGa, the dancer, or my brain.
05:09 -- It's a new costume. This one appears to be red and white leather druid robes with vaguely Christian imagery. Sometimes I think she just spins a big "controversial imagery" wheel to put these things together.
05:17 -- Well she just swallowed all her rosary beads. Now God is definitely not going to answer her prayers for more dancers to torment.
05:38 -- For Costume #6, GaGa really switched things up on us and went for an all-black, all-business tasteful pantsuit. Someone get this lady her TPS reports!
06:09 -- GaGa sure says Alejandro's name a lot for someone who keeps asking him not to call her name. Maybe if she just treated others like she wants to be treated, this whole name-calling trouble would be solved.
06:20 -- Yep, now she's wearing her favorite rubber S&M M-16 machine gun bra.
06:40 -- Ugh, ANOTHER costume. Leather, black, big glasses, lots of skin. Figure it out for yourselves.
07:05 -- One of the leather Nazis is just staring at her, looking really mad. No idea why. Is it because she isn't dance-molesting him, too?
08:20 -- Lady GaGa just ripped off her robe and offered her naked body to the back-up dancers. Worried they might devour her now.
08:32 -- Now she's back in bed, wearing the red leather nun habit. Is she dead? Is she some kind of human marionette like in that N'SYNC video?
08:35 -- Aaaand she disintegrated into nothing. Pretty deep. That's existential for "Lady GaGa does weird stuff with some guy named Alejandro."