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Jessica Simpson's Best Week Ever

by celebuzz on May. 14, 2008 11:31 AM / 2 Comments
Jessica Simpson's Best Week Ever
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This woman is having the time of her li-ife and she's never felt this way before! Yes, it's true! Things are totally awesome for Jessica Simpson right now! That's why she spent four hours drinking at Mexicali Cocina Cantina—she's just celebrating the good times. Her younger sister Ashlee is pregnant, getting married and Jess couldn't be happier! Joe Simpson's eldest isn't bitter that her love life has been about as successful as Jimmy Fallon's post-SNL career. In fact, everything's awesome! Her boyfriend (maybe already her ex) Tony Romo partied without her in Chicago and was reportedly overheard telling his buddies that he's flying solo again. Things couldn't be more awesome!

Meanwhile, in Miami Jessica's ex-boyfriend John Mayer was spotted looking like he and Jennifer Aniston have become more than just friends. In exchange for getting to ogle Jen's alert nipples barely concealed under her tiny bikini tops, John gets to carry her dog Norman around, helping her load up their private jet as they zoom around on a cross-country canoodle fest.

Jessica is having such an amazing time right now! The only news that could possibly make her more elated would be to find out that Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo are engaged and that Nick Paves will be doing Vanessa's hair for the wedding.

Quotables /
“This is good news, since it opens the window for me to finally be with my beloved Jessica. Tony is a dork. She deserves a handsome stud like me. To learn more about my exciting adventures of passion and karate, check out this months issue of Fantastic Handsome Lover magazine...”
“Here's my exclusive letter to Jessica Simpson where I try to touch her exclusive boobs:

Dear Sweet Jessica,

I, too, suck in the sack. I mean, I'm freaking terrible. I've got references if you need them, so call me up and we'll get down with some mediocre rebounding.
My number is 1-800-I-SWEAR-THIS-NEVER-HAPPENED-BEFORE.
Oh, and also, I'm really good at not making eye contact during conversations, so we're practically a match made in heaven!

Your Knight in Sort of Shiny Armor But Really Just His Boxers,

The Superficial Writer...”
The Superficial
“Unfortunately though, whenever she gets involved with a guy her wardrobe gets less and less revealing and then we go for months without a Jessica Simpson post, I mean tits. Well, finally Jessica went out with something somewhat sexy on and is showing a little pokie action...”
“Along with a group of his college buddies, Tony Romo spent a wild, drunken weekend in Chicago, leading to rumors that he split with girlfriend Jessica Simpson.

It sounds like Tony’s not taking the split too badly. Nights filled with booze, hotties, and VIP rooms tend to help guys get over their past relationships. Women on the other hand “heal” a little differently: with ice cream, sobbing, and regretful one-night stands . . . See: Aniston, Jennifer.”
Celebslam
“Jessica Simpson has been laying it on heavy to boyfriend Tony Romo lately because she’s jealous that younger sister Ashlee is stealing the spotlight.

Does everything have to be a competition between these two? Jessica gets huge boobs, Ashlee follows suit. Jessica becomes a pop star, Ashlee follows suit. Jessica fades into obscurity, Ashlee follows suit. Jessica does two chicks at the same time in those pictures I sketched this morning, Ashlee follows suit. At least after the two of them finally do get married, I can look forward to watching them race to file for divorce.”
Celebslam
“Dude, John Mayer has the hook up. Not that he doesn't make his own money, but it's definitely not Jennifer Aniston money we're talking about here. The two of them boarded a private plane in Miami following their vacation of canoodling, alert nipples and meaningful conversations over sparkling water and low-calorie, high-protein macro-biotic meals.

At the same time, it would seem that Aniston's got her little love bunny wrapped around her little finger, as she's boarding the plane, only to followed by Johnnie-Boy carrying her dog Norman. Nice. She's got him toting her pup around. Let him know his place. It's about time she got some.”
Socialite Life
“Jessica Simpson can't handle her ex John Mayer hooking up with Jennifer Aniston. So, in a move that suggests a surprising form of intelligence, Jessica drank all the liquor she could get her big-breasted hands on. Nice!

Okay, Jessica Simpson has a smoking body and drinks like a Fish (!). Holy shit, I couldn't be more in love right now. And not just because of the ecstasy. Now excuse me while I hug all my co-workers starting with The Geekologie Writer who, dammit, just saw me coming and jumped out the window. Aww :(”
The Superficial
Next Story / Angelina Jolie Confirms a Stork Double Delivery

Comments / 1-2 of 2

Sort Oldest First
  • spyrus 1 yr 6 mos ago
    Reply

    Yum. Here's hoping she is, in fact, going back on the market.

  • kkblumush 1 yr 6 mos ago
    Reply

    i just don't understand how John Mayer can go from Jess to Jennifer Aniston. Well, I guess maybe brains do account for something.

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