The last time The CW’s Gossip Girl did something horse related it was the Season 3 premiere at the Polo Match. That time, there was Carter Baizen (Sebastian Stan) sex, stolen horses, Nacho Figueras, Blair (Leighton Meester) and Chuck (Ed Westwick) actually sleeping together, a fun Humphrey, and Rufus (Matthew Settle) and Lily’s (Kelly Rutherford) undercover lovechild. Needless to say, you shouldn’t rerun a story idea if you’re not going to do it better than it was done the first time.

In this week’s duller than dull episode of Gossip Girl, Blair decided to distract from her disastrous fashion debut by helping her sorta but not really boyfriend – Chuck.

Note: Spoilers ahead if you haven’t watched Monday’s episode, “Portrait of a Lady Alexander.”

The king and queen of scheming found out that Lady Alexander was actually a horse Bart (Robert Burke) purchased. After some digging and Blair referring to Bart’s Sudanese friend’s daughter as “Princess Jasmine,” we got a big clue. To think that all Blair really had to do to get her way was plead an honest case.

Alas, one useful thing did arise from the horse show, we’re now on the path to finding out why Bart Bass really faked his death. Buying foreign oil from a country that the US has an embargo on – tsk, tsk –  Bart’s been a bad boy. But was Bart’s secret all you hoped it would be? Will Chuck really be able to take him down with this information?

Next time Bart asks Lily (Kelly Rutherford) to cut off contact with his son, he should remember that before he faked his death he arranged for Lily to adopt Chuck. If only Lily could wake up and smell the roses and  go back to Rufus (Matthew Settle) before Ivy (Kaylee DeFer) completely swindles him and he crosses over to the dark side like his son. Is there any way Rufus could really believe Ivy is that pure of heart? He’s not new to the world of Upper East Side backstabbing and scandal. I’m not buying it.

Meanwhile, Dan (Penn Badgley) has been enjoying his “literary celebrity” by sleeping with fans and screwing Nate (Chace Crawford) over even worse than last week by publishing the Nate chapter of his book. If Nate was that upset over his chapter, I  can only imagine how awful everyone else’s must be. But really, shouldn’t Nate be happy he was even included in the sequel?

Speaking of Nate, why does Bart want to buy The Spectator so desparately? And why would Nate attempt to sabotage Lily who has always been dear to him? At least there was less of his girlfriend Sage this week. She’s cute but she is hogging too much screentime considering there are only six episodes of Gossip Girl left!

There are so many questions from Monday’s episode, least of all how Matt Camden (Barry Watson) from 7th Heaven, I mean Steven Spence, bagged Kate Upton. The “Cat Daddy” video he was referring to can be seen here.  You do the math. Then again, he is dating the gorgeous Serena van der Woodsen (Blake Lively) so maybe he has a lot of game.

A question for Serena, how do you go back to dating your boyfriend after you find out that he slept with your mother back in the day? Awkward alert! I’m guessing once Georgina (Michelle Trachtenberg) releases the Serena/Dan sex tape she got her hands on, it won’t really matter who Steven slept with anymore.

Do you guys think Dan can really still blame Serena for seducing him? Sure she shouldn’t have filmed their tryst to sabotage his relationship with Blair, but Blair went back to Chuck all on her own accord. And if I recall correctly, there were two people screwing atop the bar at The Campbell Apartment.

Buzz Moments:

OMG: The international levels of Bart’s scandal. He is very screwed if this gets out.

Thank you, TV Gods: Let’s start every episode with Nate Archibald in bed. Thanks.

Awk-ward: Lily and Serena having a romantic crossover.

Hotness: Serena in that orange dress. Va va voom!

Fab-u-lous: Blair being able to throw an equestrian themed outfit together that quickly.

Can. Not. Wait.: Nobody does Cotillion episodes like Gossip Girl!

Celebuzz Meter (1-10): 4. C’mon writers this is the last hurrah. Give us something great!

So there you have it. Will Bart be tried for his crimes? Are you Team Serena or Team Dan? Sound off in the comments below!

- Leigh Raines