Nick Hogan Is a Whiny Prisoner

What with the earthquake in China and a housing-foreclosure crisis closer to home, it's easy to forget about society's real victim: Nick Allan Bollea, a/k/a Nick Hogan.

The former Hogan Knows Best cast member, who's currently serving eight months in a Florida jail for a street-racing car crash that left his friend John Graziano in a permanent vegetative state, recently had a phone chat with his mother Linda. During the harrowing conversation, Nick detailed the traumas he's suffered while incarcerated. If you're squeamish, you may want to skip the rest of this post.

"[My cell is] like, half the size of my bathroom," Bollea wails. He also details how the ample free time that imprisonment tends to create has led to the most grievous torment of all: boredom.

Funny, you never hear the paralyzed Graziano bellyaching about the size of his room. Oh, that's right; he can't. Maybe he can communicate his thoughts on the matter by blinking. Okay, John; blink once for "my room's fine," twice for "it's a little cramped" and three times for "if I ever regain use of my limbs, I'm going to rip Nick Hogan's genitals off and smother him with his own balls."

Ever the concerned mom, Linda offers her jailbird kid a few tips for passing the time. "You can make your bed 42 different ways. You can wash your hands a lot," Ma Hogan says. She also suggests that he can kill time by "do[ing] push-ups."

If Nick's smart, he'll go with the push-ups. Because if he's not someone's bitch in the joint already, the way he whines he's bound to be on a few inmates' lists.

Click here to listen to the full conversation, via TMZ.com.