That’s why the Internet is here—to sift through the clutter and deliver the dish.

One of Hollywood’s leading lesbian couples finally tied the knot, while Brangelina and Tomkat were having marital problems. There was happier news for Britney Spears, who’s getting her bangin’ body back, and the US women’s Olympic gymnastic team, who kicked butt in Beijing.

Click through the cover shots on the right.

The extensive captions will fit a week’s worth of news into the time it takes for your boss to go to the executive washroom.

Enjoy it on the quick and on the sly.