American Horror Story: Asylum kicked off 2013 with a shock ending no one saw coming.
After the last episode’s numerous cliffhangers — Bloody Face’s baby, alien spawn, the Monsignor’s (Joseph Fiennes) possible death, Sister Jude’s (Jessica Lange) involuntary commitment, etc. — there were a lot of loose ends that needed to be tied up. And Ryan Murphy and Co. did so the only way they know how: death, electroshock therapy and a musical number! No, seriously. It was like Glee meets Asylum. If Lange didn’t already have the Emmy in the bag, she certainly does now. Her 60s-fabulous version of “The Name Game” — a.k.a. “The (Lana) Banana Song” — was particularly weird and memorable.
Not to mention, Briarcliff claimed three more lives by the end of this week’s episode. Yeah, “The Name Game” was definitely one of the season’s more eventful episodes.
Note: Spoilers if you haven’t watched Wednesday’s episode, “The Name Game.”
1. The Devil (and Sister Mary Eunice) bit the dust.
After ruining everyone’s lives — and deflowering the Monsignor — Sister Satan (Lilly Rabe) finally got what she deserved. And what a rough way to go! Unfortunately, that means poor Sister Mary Eunice had to bite the dust too.
Just when you think Monsignor Howard couldn’t be more defenseless against the Devil, he proved he’s a force to be reckoned with. I guess almost being crucified is a game-changer. For a moment, the real Sister Mary came to and told the Monsignor she’s tired of fighting the Devil. So, to save her last shred of innocence, the Monsignor chucks her over the floor railing. As she falls to her death, Sister Mary is finally at peace.
2. Dr. Arden’s final act.
Sister Mary Eunice wasn’t the only casualty of the night. Struck with grief over losing his pure and innocent angel to the Devil’s advances, Dr. Arden (James Cromwell) tries to kill himself in the forest — but not before killing every one of his horrifically modified human creatures. However, Sister Satan won’t allow him such relief. Bored with his theatrics, Sister Satan calls him pitiful and walks away.
After Sister Mary Eunice’s “death,” the Monsignor insists on a proper burial, but due to her possession Arden claims that the best option would be to cremate her, which he willingly takes on himself. While in the crematory, Arden strokes her hair and sobs, as he climbs onto the tray with her corpse incarcerating himself in the crematory, slowly — and painfully — killing him.
For a Nazi war criminal, I think it was a fitting end.
3. Grace gives birth — and Pepper is the most kick-ass midwife ever.
Pepper (Naomi Grossman) is back with a vengeance! After Arden discovers Grace (Lizzie Brocheré) alive and pregnant, he plans to do a few harmfull experiments.
However, Pepper has been placed in charge of Grace’s protection — by the aliens, of course — and there’s no way she’s going to let Arden touch this baby. When he insults her mental ability, Pepper claims she was falsely accused with murdering and mutilating her niece. In fact, it was her brother-in-law who placed the blame on her, the east-to-blame microcephalic. At this point, it’s clear the alens have significantly augmented her intelligence — and I love it. Pepper even managed to deliver Grace and Kit’s (Evan Peters) baby safe and sound.
4. Sister Judy loses her mind (no, seriously).
After Sister Satan finds a cucumber in Sister Jude’s room (or did she plant the vegetable in Jude’s room herself?) she and Arden use electroshock therapy to get defiant Judy back to her senses. However, Sister Satan gives her a particularly brain-frying dose of electroshock. And to demonstrate just how dazed and confused Judy really is, there’s a musical number!
Jude hallucinates she and the rest of the Briarcliff residents sing and dance along to “The Name Game.” And if that little musical break didn’t convince you that Sister Jude’s brain was thoroughly fried, her nonsensical ramblings to Mother Superior did the trick. Some things we true, while others were completely wacko.
However, she did end her (Emmy-winning) insane monologue with one clear request to Mother Superior: Get Lana Winters (Sarah Paulson) out of Briarcliff. Here’s hoping Mother Superior follows through.
5. Lana gets her groove back.
Speaking of Lana, Thredson (Zachary Quinto) may have had the upper hand after Sister Satan untied him from Lana and Kit’s make-shift prison, but Lana is clearly in control of this mind game. After all, not only can Bloody Face not kill her (she’s preggo with his kid!), but she’s the only one who knows where Thredson’s confession tapes are hidden.
OMG!: I could not stop “OMG-ing” when Sister Satan forced herself on the Monsignor — literally. She deflowered poor Timothy. Also, Sister Satan’s poem was a nice touch: “There was a priest, the dirty beast, Whose name was Alexander. His mighty d*** was inches thick. He called it Salamander.”
Thank you, TV gods: For killing off Sister Mary Eunice, Satan and Dr. Arden. Ryan Murphy has a knack for rushing through storylines, so it’s nice to see the showrunner start to wrap up a few of the plot points. Now, we can focus on Bloody Face — and the aliens.
Hotness: How badass was Thredson’s entrance back into the asylum? I know we’re supposed to hate his guts, but I can still admire his pretty, non-bloody face… right?
Fab-u-lous: Sister Jude’s (Judy?) musical number could have been 50 Shades of Wrong, but instead, it totally worked. It was a nice break from the morose. Now, when can we expect Jessica Lange’s debut EP? Will she at least get a cameo on Glee?
Can. Not. Wait.: To find out if Lana gets out of Briarcliff! Watch out, Bloody Face. Lana’s out for your blood. Not to mention we still have to figure out Dylan Mcdermott present-day Bloody Face situation.
Celebuzz Meter (1-10): 9
American Horror Story: Asylum airs Wednesdays at 10 PM on FX.
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