Why America Should Return to the Monarchy

at 9:08 pm | By

I don’t know much about the government shutdown, and even with a thorough, fifth grade-level explanation given to me by a friend, I’m still not entirely sure what everyone’s going on about, but I do know the following:

  • In 2009, the US government passed the Affordable Care Act.
  • The Senate passed it, then the House passed it, then the President signed it.
  • Then it went to the Supreme Court and they upheld it.
  • The Tea Party dislikes this law because they think it’s taking away peoples’ freedom–people have the right to not have health insurance and use the emergency room like a doctors office which, in turn, good honest health insurance-carrying people end up paying for. It’s referred to as the Free Rider Problem in economics–no real incentive for people to get health insurance because someone is going to pay for it one way or another.
  • Mitt Romney said he would repeal the Affordable Care Act during the 2012 election (which isn’t really within his presidential powers, a source tells me).
  • Obama said he’d keep it going, and the ACA was a huge factor in his re-election.
  • Congress said it would not pass a budget unless the ACA was defunded.

And now, here we are.

Guess what?  There’s another option, and it’s one we abandoned almost 238 years ago.  You remember, don’t you?  Our forefathers went on about taxes and dumped a bunch of tea into the Boston Harbor?  It rhymes with lonarchy?

Well, in 1948, the old country introduced what is know as the National Health System, publicly funded health care for all!  Can you imagine?  Breaking Bad wouldn’t even exist with such a thing!  The Brits love NHS so much, they incorporated it into the 2012 London Olympics Opening Ceremony.

Cheer up, guys.  It won’t be so bad going back to a monarchy.  Correction: A Constitutional Monarchy.  Here are a few things to make one feel better about going back to Mother England with one’s tail between one’s legs:

1) With a guy like this as your Prime Minister, and a diplomatic Queen with a “sparkling” personality, you’ll be covering your arm cast in bunting and singing “God Save The Queen” from your (free) hospital room.

2) Just think, we can start referring to lawyers as “barristers,” who wear regal headwear like this.

3) The heir to the throne is totally cool with defending whatever faith you want.

4) Every time you do something awesome, you can shout “For Queen and Country!” to no one in particular, without sounding mad.

5) Someday, this girl will be your Queen Consort.  She’s just like us, and she brought a whole new meaning to “marrying up.”

6) A curtsy for the royal family?  Don’t mind if I do!  (Not too deep, now.  You’re not starring in a play).

7) If you’re really talented/smart/clever, there is a chance you could be knighted.  Therefore, your name would be preceded by “Sir” or “Dame.”

8) Great Britain hates France, too.

9) Parliament is a hot mess, too.  Except when they get rowdy, they bust out state jewels that have been around since the Saxons (learn what that means by the time we’re groveling back at BP.  Also learn what BP stands for).

10) We’ll be able to take credit for this, and be like “Yeah, they took that sketch from us.  Remember when we were so lippy and defiant and tried to form a government, and then it all went to sh*t just as we thought we were making some progress?  Ha, what a lark!”