13 Reasons Ian Thomson Would Make the Worst Bachelor Ever

at 3:15 pm | By

After making himself look like an idiot by slut-shaming Kaitlyn Bristowe and proclaiming his obsession with himself, Ian Thomson finally made his dramatic exit from The Bachelorette on Monday night.

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However, before signing off on this season, he made it known to the world that he has high aspirations of becoming the next Bachelor.

Now I’m not usually one to wreck anyone’s dreams, but in this case, it’s deserved: Ian, it’s never going to happen. Here are just 13 of the many reasons why you’d make on of the worst Bachelors of all time (like, literally probably worse than Juan Pablo):


1. He’s obviously not a feminist. No one wants to be with a man who doesn’t support and stand up for her. Ian made it a point to slut-shame Kaitlyn, saying, “Kaitlyn just seems like she wants to make out with a bunch of people and have a good time. I’m not here just to have a good time. I have a good time in my own life. I meet chicks and I have a lot of sex in my own life.” (So you can have a bunch of sex but she can’t make out with her potential husband? Hmm…)

2. He’s hypocritical. So he went ahead and slut-shamed Kaitlyn, but then left on this note: “If I was made Bachelor, I think they would come out of the woodworks, man. I think they’d be like, oh shit, I wanna go out with that guy. He’s so deep. Oh man, I need to have some sex.” WTF? How does that thought lead to sex?


3. He’s way too into himself. Let’s just give you an example of how he describes himself: “I don’t understand why Kaitlyn wouldn’t want a Princeton graduate, former model that defied death and has been around the world a couple of times… I am an enigma and who I am is a gift you unwrap for life.” NOPE.

4. He’ll always be better than any girl he ever dates. “I’m too deep a thinker, I’m too self-aware. I’m very different than every single other person that’s here. I went to Princeton, Deerfield, and that’s what I have to offer.” Guys, did he mention he’s a Princeton graduate?

5. He has no sense of humor. “I’m tired of talking about farts and people’s bowel movements. I’m being punished for being an intellectual. They didn’t teach cheesy movie quotes at Princeton!” He’s also probably the type that wouldn’t let a girl fart in front of him.


6. He also sucks at singing, but thinks he’s really good. Okay, this might not be criteria for not being a good Bachelor, but on two separate occasions Ian bragged about how good he was at singing when in reality he sucked. I mean, could you imagine being on a road trip with him as he belted a shitty version of every song on the radio?!

7. He’s the scary, jealous type. Part of the reason he freaked out on Kaitlyn is because he was “tired of rejection at every corner.” He then blamed her, calling her uninteresting.


8. He’s belittling. Rather than being respectful about his feelings toward Kaitlyn bringing in Nick, Ian simply tried to cut her down by being mean. “Bringing Nick in — I don’t question his intentions, I question your intentions,” he said. “I really see you as as surface-level person at this stage. I wonder if you are really that shallow because I don’t see anything beyond the surface.”

9. He doesn’t want a strong, independent woman. Ian wants to play the whole macho, knight-in-shining armor role. He told Kaitlyn, “I came here expecting to meet the girl that had her heart broken and was devastated by Chris Soules, not the girl that wanted to get her field plowed by Chris.” Um… Sorry, Ian. Kaitlyn didn’t need your saving.


10. He’s obviously still stuck on his ex. During his rant about how uninterested he is in Kaitlyn, Ian made it a point to say that his ex-girlfriend is hotter than her. Nice guy, right?

11. He’s, like, the bad kind of crazy. He planned his exit and compared it to the battle at The Alamo. Seriously. “The Alamo is a place where Texans made their last stand for independence,” he told the cameras, straight-faced. “And San Antonio is going to be a place where I make my last stand on this journey.” I mean…


12. He’s sketchy AF. Have you ever seen a guy leave The Bachelorette and immediately promote himself to be the next Bachelor? Makes us question his real intentions for being on the show.

13. He has a receding hairline. I’m not one to poke fun at physical features, but his low-blows were much worse. The Bachelor has to have good hair, and that’s a fact.

With that, we bid you farewell, Ian… Buh-bye!