A happy holiday is as simple as a box of hallucinogens, all tied up in a bow.
Christmastime can be an excruciatingly stressful time for its gentile observers. Jingle bells bring on hot flashes and empty slots on the gift list next to your in-laws names feel like gaping black holes. This is why it is important to have Jewish friends who can switch up the game and bring joy(im) back to the goyim, as witnessed in Seth Rogen, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, and Anthony Mackie‘s holiday journey in The Night Before.
After experiencing Mr. Rogen’s holiday first-hand at the New York red carpet screening of The Night Before, presented by Joe Boxer, Celebuzz has devised a foolproof guide to achieving the Christmas ever. Review this checklist with the dearest of friends (who are 100% not nativity figures) over a gift box of illicit substances before embarking on a slightly different “White Christmas” than Bing Crosby used to know.
Here is the 15-Step Checklist to Celebrating Your Best Christmas, the Seth Rogen Way:
1. Round up your high school BFFs to obstacle through time-honored Christmas traditions like eating egg drop soup or karaoking to old school rap in a dive bar.
2. Don your respective ugly Christmas sweater, ugly “Black Santa” sweater, and ugly Hanukkah sweater, all available online from Tipsy Elves.
3. Do way too much blow.
4. Freak the f*ck out.
5. Record a video of yourself in existential crisis mode over your wife’s pregnancy in which you refer to your unborn daughter by the c-word. (Not “cute”.)
6. Nose bleed in Mindy Kaling‘s cocktail.
7. Do shrooms to level off.
8. Discover a Freudian paternal relationship with your drug dealer from high school.
9. Time travel to the future to watch in horror as your wife throws hunnids’ at your aforementioned daughter pole dancing.
10. Rate anonymous dick pics being sent to your phone.
11. Go to church.
12. Make moves on James Franco at the biggest Christmas rager beyond the North Pole.
13. Let the power of Miley Cyrus‘s “Wrecking Ball” wash over, reinstating the true meaning of Christmas spirit.
14. Unintentionally crucify the Messiah.
15. Reunite with your best friends and swear that the next Christmas and every Christmas to follow will be better than the last, with or without James Franco.
Catch The Night Before when it hits theaters on Friday, Nov. 20. and watch the first three minutes of the movie in the video at the top of the page.